Anniversary Number 42

Diane and Gordy walking down the aisle at Gordon & Lisa's wedding on June 27, 2009.

Diane & Gordy, August 31, 1968, United Methodist Church in Winthrop Harbor, IL.

Gordy is having some product nourishment after we had a lovely lunch in celebration of our 42nd anniversary. In our new normal temporary life as a couple, restaurant dinners are on hold, but the lunch today was fantastic. Baby steps for the both of us.

We continue to be passengers on a roller coaster ride called life. Our day-to-day schedule resembles a merry-go-round. Then suddenly after a trip to the doctor or receiving test results, we are suddenly thrust onto the Screaming Eagle Roller Coaster. Couldn't there be a happy medium?

Rereading our recent entries, not many happy or humorous times are conveyed except for the hilarious "I don't know you" statement by Maury to Gordy. It was a priceless moment, folks, and one I'll never forget. But with today being our anniversary, it seems fitting to get a bit nostalgic. When I think about how we began our marriage, what we have experienced, and where we are now, we have come a looonnng way.

In 1968, we picked August 31st so that we could work our two jobs respectively to earn as much money as possible. After the TET offensive in February 1968, graduate school deferments were eliminated and Gordy got his 1A draft status in July just before our marriage. I quit college which had to disappoint my parents even though they never uttered those words; Gordy had a Title 4 fellowship for graduate school at the University of Florida. I needed to get a job once in Gainesville after we moved into a furnished apt. someone else rented for us--the rent was $102.50 per month. Our total income was $420 a month. My wedding dress cost $110. Our honeymoon was a two-night stay at a Howard Johnson's in Kenosha, Wisconsin. On our wedding night, we opened our cards and were elated that we had received a total of $800--wow, a jackpot!! We didn't have enough money for an engagement ring for me. Our car was a 1961 Chevy we called the "Blue Streak" and had to warm it up in Florida in order for it to run. Most of our wedding presents were boxed up and filled our car. When we got tired of driving in our unairconditioned car at night on the sojourn to Florida, we stopped at a rest stop and slept unafraid of possible intruders. A hotel room for 2 nights was too expensive. I didn't know how to cook; my first meal resulted in grilled chicken with crispy skin and raw meat. Gordy and I made our weekly trip to the laundry mat because I had never used one before marriage. Our grocery bill budget was $25 per week which included two 8-packs: one "real" Pepsi for me and one "real" Coca-Cola for Gordy. Having a McDonald's lunch once a week was a splurge. The two years in Gainesville were priceless.

Through the years, our lives have changed in many ways. Every marriage has its ups and downs--gosh, another reference to a roller coaster maybe? However, we are so fortunate to have found each other and fallen in love so many years ago. We've been blessed with Jennifer, John, Gordon, Lisa, Ryan, Luke, and James. The emotional support and love of our family and friends during the past 6 months are indescribable in importance for our survival and ability to withstand whatever comes our way. I asked my former neighbor, good friend, and breast cancer survivor from 1995 Sandi Ball about her time with cancer, her recovery/treatment, and what she had learned. She replied that she realized how much her husband Randy loved her. I hope Gordy knows how much I love him.

Thanks for allowing me to relive and relay a bit of our lives in 1968--it was a memorable year and I've had a wonderful life and will continue to do so with Gordon Arthur Taylor Jr. It's been a privilege being his Dr. Diane!!

Hurry Up and Wait

The news is not the best but it is clearly not the worst. Our appointment was at 11 a.m. but our new doctor did not make it to our examination room until 12:30. My guess is he is busy getting acclimated to his new environment and patient/clientele. However, Diane and I were very anxious, and it was just one of those days when we didn't want to wait to see anybody. Dr. Ali was very informative and thorough. Here is what we know after visiting with both Dr. Ali and radiation expert Dr. McGinnis:

There are two very tiny "hot spots" embedded in two lymph nodes. They may be either nothing more than residual results from the radiation or small early metastatic cancer in these two lymph nodes. Hopefully it is the former and McGinnis seems to think this is the case. If it is the latter, it is currently too small to be significant or even treated via any surgery. Dr. Ali recommends and Dr. McGinnis concurs that we should wait and do another PET scan after Thanksgiving. If something of concern is there, since it is in the neck region, it will grow very slowly. No matter what the outcome today had been, normal protocol for base of tongue cancer would have been to do another PET scan in 3 months.

While we had hoped they would say "get out of here everything looks clean," that did not happen but we guess this is the second best option. Hey, I am not on my way to Iowa City for throat surgery--yet--and hope that situation will not come to pass as that would NOT be good. So there you have it; this is what we know to date.

Elie Wiesel, famous author and Holocaust survivor, explains why Diane and I are doing this blog when he says "Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty." We are doing our best to do just that. As we sit in our kitchen composing this, we are both exhausted. Physical labor is difficult and tiring, but I can assure you that chronic mental stress is not just tiring but can be debilitating as well. Naturally we will not let that happen as we are uplifted by the support we have received from you in many different forms. Friday we felt like someone had punched us in the stomach and today while not perfect we feel much better. Headaches seem to be the only side effect I'm experiencing.

Son of a Bitch!!!!

I have found that my experience with cancer has not been a linear process with predictability the order of the day. Few surprises have come my way after the initial diagnosis as my doctors, Don Patterson, and Maury Coats have prepared me for most every eventuality--until now. Diane and I decided to wait for some good results as I had a PET scan on Wednesday (a test that detects active cells in the body--these active cells are usually cancer cells). My follow-up appointments were this morning in Burlington.

I awoke at 1 a.m. and had a couple of cans of product, went back to sleep, and had another can at 4:30 followed by a 4th can at 6:30 a.m. This was done because I knew I would be gone until mid afternoon and I had to get my daily regimen of calories, vitamins, and protein. While we don't project too much about all of this, today's visit with the doctors has been on our minds for the last couple of days. During my life, I have had the good fortune of controlling much of what happens to me in terms of what I do, how I do it, and when I do it. Not so this time. Cancer takes a certain amount of control from you.

As I sat in the waiting room, I felt very much like I did 30 years ago when I was pursuing the Ph.D. at the University of Florida. While it wasn't his fault, I feared every visit with my main professor Dr. Fox and the calm, cool, collected Gordy Taylor would get that horrible nervous perspiration every time I got within 50 miles of Gainesville, Florida. It was a scary time in my life, and I always felt that I was at the mercy of Dr. Fox and my other committee members. I had the same feeling this morning.

I had used 14 containers of deodorant but to no avail. For the first time instead of me feeling nauseous, Diane thought she was going to hurl. Now Diane had bought Dr. El-Khoury a beautiful purple tie at the Polo store when she was in Chicago last week. As she handed him the package, I joked that it was really purchased at Wal-Mart and simply put in a Polo box. This is his last day at the Cancer Care Center and will be moving to Dubai with his family. We exchanged pleasantries, but we both thought it odd that he didn't immediately say, "the PET-scan is clear, way to go!" Instead I had to ask, "what about the PET-scan?"

We couldn't believe our ears, and we looked at each other as he said, "there are a couple of little hot spots in your neck that need further testing." My mind was racing. I kept repeating to myself "son of a bitch!" Couldn't the guy have just said that everything was fine. He is a wonderful man, and I'm sure he hated giving us that news.

Time to move forward. The superb staff at Cancer Care Center arranged for a 2:30 CT-Scan with contrast at Great River Medical Center which will give more information. On the way home, I developed a nasty headache and upon arrival at 35 Indian Trail attempted to swallow a couple of Advil which promptly lodged in my throat. "Come on, give me a break, it's just a couple of Advil."

It is now 5 p.m. and I'm done feeling sorry for myself--sort of. We return to Burlington on Monday morning for the test results. The best case scenario is that there is nothing to worry about, simply an anomaly. Worst case is surgery at the University of Iowa. We are betting on the former.

It is important to maintain perspective here. The base of tongue cancer is gone. The PET scan could have indicated that cancer had spread to other organs, but it hasn't. My life is somewhat returning to normalcy with daily walks, eating more "regular" food, and even playing a little tennis. I have much to be thankful for and look forward to a 42nd anniversary lunch with Diane at Shiloh's (a new restaurant in Macomb) on August 31st. Son of bitch, it's been a helluva 6 months and Monday will start another chapter for us. If this has been too lengthy of an explanation, I apologize but I've tried to capture our feelings, our fears, and our concerns as this story unfolds in real time.

A Thursday with Maury and Humility is Good

I am part of a small and exclusive fraternity--people who have been diagnosed with base of tongue cancer. Many individuals have been helpful to us concerning our journey particularly those suffering similar types of neck cancers such as throat and tonsilar. Most notably Coach Don Patterson who has been there for me locally every step of the way.

There is, however, one person I've connected with who has survived base of tongue cancer including a cancerous lymph node. Eldon and Maureen Hare, long-time Macomb residents, heard through a mutual friend about my diagnosis and hooked us up with Maury and Sandi Coats who currently live on 34-foot boat but previously called Austin, TX, their home. As it turns out, Maury is the son of a famous Macomb barber, grew up in Macomb, and graduated from Western Illinois University in 1959.

Prior to meeting Maury and Sandi last week, all I knew is that he had survived base of tongue cancer for 3 years and was doing quite well. We initially communicated via email and phone calls until the Coats made a trip to Macomb to visit the Hares and kindly consented to meet with Diane and me.

We spent about two hours at 35 Indian Trail as Diane and I queried Maury and Sandi about every phase of their cancer journey. It was wonderful to sit there talking to someone who had literally walked in my shoes. Shared experiences eased our anxieties and at the end of the visit, I asked Maury what advice he had for me. He quickly responded, "one word, Gordy, PATIENCE. It will take months and maybe a year before you resemble and feel like the man you did before your diagnosis." For Diane and me it was almost a spiritual experience and we are much appreciative to Maury and Sandi and Eldon and Maureen.

As for humility, life sometimes surprises us in ways we never expect and these can be both serious or light and humorous. I had one of the latter with Maury. Due to my professional background, I tend to begin conversations asking people where they are from, where they went to school, and a bit about their family. I did just this with Maury. Now I must be candid here. I would be less than truthful if I didn't admit that I enjoy a certain name recognition in Macomb because of my local-access interview TV show Across the Miles and Western's alumni constituency because of my teaching and alumni careers.

My photo appeared in the Western News for 28 years; I had a column that people read or so I thought. As we sat in our family room, Maury revealed that, as mentioned previously, he was a townie and a 1959 graduate of WIU. I was excited. These were Western's glory years in football and basketball and Maury and Eldon were in the pep band. Clearly, Maury already knew who I was and not just as a base of tongue compatriot but certainly as the "alumni guy." Now we had only been together for 5 minutes when all this happened. As soon as he mentioned he had graduated in 1959, I said, "well, then you know me." He replied, "never heard of you except through this shared experience." I said, "Maury, don't you get the Western News? Haven't you ever read my column or seen my photo?" He answered, "yes, I get it but I've never read it and never heard of you." I sat there incredulously with a shocked look on my face while Diane held her sides and laughed uncontrollably. It was a divine moment. A dose of humility is good for all of us.

The Taylors will forever be indebted and connected to Maury and Sandi Coats. Thanks for being there for us.

Time for Some Perspective

Lisa and Gordon at Derek and Erin's wedding--July 2010

Ryan, Diane, Anna (Diane's Mom), and Gordon

James and Luke--Pirate Buddies!

Jennifer, James, John, & Luke--Birthday Party 2010

Recently I received an email from a classmate with whom I went to school from 1st grade through high school. Karen and I share certain commonalities in our marriages in terms of loving spouses, great kids, and wonderful grandchildren. She mentioned how lucky Diane and I were to have each other as we walk the cancer path together. Tragically Karen lost her husband Jeff suddenly a couple of years ago. Her candor and honesty about the hands we are dealt in life hit home. Her email caused me to stop in my tracks and give some long overdue thought to my situation.

I feel this is as good a time as any to reflect on a couple of issues and to share my thoughts on a difficult topic with my kids as well. I am not sure where what follows will take me, but it is time. Karen's comments about living life without her husband really resonated with me as I have given little thought to the possibility of Diane living life without me. I am confident Diane and I will share many more years together but "what if?"

I have told my kids forever if I were to die tomorrow--any tomorrow--I will be very pissed. I then add that while that is true, whenever the day comes, I will have few if any regrets as mine has been a wonderful life. I have a fabulous wife and should add that if I had not met her, I am confident my life would not have turned out to be as blessed as it has been. Diane has been my rock, my ballast, and she keeps me focused and simply by and large protects me from myself. I have 3 terrific children, a super son-in-law and daughter-in-law, 2 neat grandsons, had a simply spectacular career, have travelled extensively, and have literally nothing left on my "bucket list" except to enjoy my family in the years ahead.

I assume that by and large, Jeff felt the same way about his life and his future with Karen. That is where our paths separate. Jeff's untimely death reminds me of a story Bruce Craddock, WIU's former head football coach, told when he was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently died. After learning his condition was terminal, Bruce assembled his family and said, "Yes, this is a very bad break but at least we have an opportunity to spend quality time together before I leave this world. I could have died yesterday or tomorrow in a car accident and we would not have this time together." Bruce was right. While his passing was sad, he did get to spend quality time with his family.

While I know everything will work out for my family and me, I am dealing with cancer and one never knows what the future holds or when our journey through life will ever end.

To Jennifer, Gordon, and Ryan: This is how I feel and you should all know how proud I am of all you do and what you've done with your lives. I still intend to kick Jen's butt in tennis, take Gordon to the hoop in driveway basketball, and go deep on Ryan in our backyard Field of Dreams. Of course, Diane, Europe and a whole bunch of Marriott points are waiting to be spent.

I thanked Karen for writing and being the inspiration for me to have a long overdue conversation with myself and my loved ones.

Pills, a Movie, and a Little Greedy

This week marked a couple of milestones in my new "normal." These will seem so trivial to you as you don't even have to think about doing them, but for me they were significant events. It had been a month since I choked on a pill, but I felt my throat passage was wider now. Mind you, these are not large multi-vitamin pills but rather a very small white pill. But I did it!! I brought the pills to the kitchen so that Diane could be prepared to "Heimlich" me but it wasn't necessary. First, I swallowed some water, then put one tiny pill on my tongue, swallowed more water, and the deed was done. Success that continues today.

Friday Dr. Diane asked if I would like to go to a movie. I am an easy sell as I have always enjoyed films. With the exception of shoot 'em ups, vampires, and slasher flicks, I will watch about anything. I didn't even ask what we would be seeing and there I was viewing Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love which is the ultimate chick flick. I had been kidnapped but I didn't mind. It was uplifting and a little bit thought-provoking. I am still a long way from indulging in my favorite food group: POPCORN. My days of hiding the popcorn in tons of salt are probably over and, of course, I did not have my usual Diet Coke either. Good friend Mike Mason has suggested that maybe in my new "normal," I give up Diet Coke which clearly is not a healthy drink choice. Easy for him to say. We shall see.

Ryan was home Saturday so we took a walk, sat out a bit, watched the Cubs and the PGA. Diane a wonderful dinner and I actually sat at the table to partake in her delicious repast. Here's where the greedy comes in, and I paid for it. I had a one inch piece of grilled ribeye steak and a similar piece of chicken cut into little tiny pieces. I also had a couple slices of homegrown tomatoes, and a few bites of McDonough County sweet corn. All of this was accompanied by copious swallows of green tea. Unfortunately, there was apparently too much variety. Not too much--just too diverse. I got up from the table, looked at Diane and Ryan, and headed for the backyard where I promptly deposited what I had just eaten. Small steps, Gord, remember, small steps. I'm not a fast learner. My stomach just wasn't ready but the doctors have given their blessing for me to try anything I can. Today, I'm back on "product," milkshakes, fresh fruit smoothies, and soup.

We dropped Ryan off at the train at 7 a.m. and took an 80 minute walk on a beautiful, quiet, cool Sunday morning. Diane and her long-time friend Jill are off to Chicago on tomorrow's train at 7 a.m. until Thursday morning. One stop will be to Zion to see her parents. Diane hasn't seen her dad since the end of March. I will hold down the fort at 35 Indian Trail. I look forward to the time when I make a trip to Chicago for a couple of days, but I'm not there yet.

Half a Pancake and an Egg--Cancellations

I'm back on the blog. It's been a couple of weeks for me as Diane posted last time. I continue to improve, but it is soooo slow. This is the most frustrating thing for me, but I need to cope with it as it is my reality for the next year. All the medical experts and others who have had base of tongue and/or tonsillar cancer tell me there is simply no rushing recovery. It will seem like forever, but recovery will happen.

Next week I'm meeting with Maury Coats, Austin, TX, who will be in town visiting Maureen and Eldon Hare. Maury is the only person I know who has actually endured and survived the exact same thing I have. Everyone else has/had tonsillar cancer. He has been a wealth of information and support in the past 6 months.

I continue to survive primarily via PEG and cans of product. However, I am making progress. While I have NO appetite or desire to eat, I am forcing myself to do so. I eat yogurt, soup, malteds, oatmeal, and fruit. Today was a BIG day and I do mean BIG. I returned from my walk and a visit to the chiropractor (my back is better) and suggested to Diane that we go out for breakfast at Rocky's. We visited a few patrons and then we ordered. Diane had A pancake and I had AN egg over easy. Diane gave me half her pancake and off I went. I put copious amounts of butter on the pancake and then drenched it in syrup and then with little tiny bites, dipped it in my egg yolk. As I put this in my mouth, I chased it with lots of water to wash it down. This is an activity we all take for granted, but not me. This is real work. However, it was my first visit to a restaurant since mid-April. Total cost including a generous tip was $6.00. Ahhhh life in a small town.

In the past 10 days, I've been having headaches, so the doctor suggested a trip to Burlington on Monday where blood work up always precedes appointments. It appears I might have an issue with my thyroid so I'm returning to the Cancer Care Center on Monday, August 16th, for more extensive tests via my blood. Hopefully, this is a minor issue and can be resolved easily. As they say in Burlington, you had cancer in the "neck and head area so we need to monitor any potential problems closely." I do not relish these visits but they are obviously necessary to my long-term health.

Finally, cancellations are becoming a part of my life. So far I missed the Cubs/Sox series, Cubs/Cards series, family wedding, and just last week cancelled a trip to the Ozarks with David and Gretchen Miller that had been on the docket for a year. I really hated not to go but I just didn't think it was time. We've also cancelled a trip to Purdue to watch WIU play football on September 11th. This was going to give us an excuse to visit the former director of the Purdue Alumni Association, Larry Preo, and his lovely wife Wendy. They have been very supportive throughout my odyssey and Larry has been a confidant, good friend, and close colleague for over 20 years.

Life is good and progress is being made. By the way, this blog apparently works and serves a higher calling. Last week, I was contacted by a high school buddy who had a sore throat and decided he better go to the doctor. He has throat cancer and has already begun treatment. Good luck, Rocky!!!