Tick Tock Tick Tock

I don't know why for sure but I've always been a big fan of Peter Pan. I suppose it's because his motto is "I won't grow up." Of course, cancer has a way of no longer making that phrase work real well but still James, Luke, Diane, and I enjoyed sitting in front of the TV watching the Disney Classic from beginning to end. When the crocodile is chasing Captain Hook, because of the fact that he swallowed an alarm clock, he goes "tick tock tick tock" and Captain Hook knows when he is the vicinity. Can't you just see Hook's eyebrows go up and down with each tick of the clock--priceless!!

As we wait for the PET scan hopefully at the end of this month, Diane and I can't help but hear the tick tock of expected results impacting out lives. I try not to think about it. Diane tries not to think about it. But the closer we get to this date when we find out if the "hot spots" are gone, we can't help but wonder what the results will be. We try not to project. However, it is possible that we will be getting what amounts to life or death feedback.

I thought that this had not affected me all that much until yesterday when I looked in the mirror, really looked in the mirror. I've been told over the years that I look youthful but yesterday was a bit of a wake up call. Who the hell is that old guy with the gaunt expression looking back at me? Oh my God, it's me! For the first time I realized that this cancer trip has taken a bit of a toll on youthful Gord. I mentioned that I think I've aged a bit to Diane as we walked around the Rec Center track and to my amazement she said nothing. Good God, she didn't disagree with me. Her silence spoke volumes. Oh well. This too shall pass.

Until we get the results the first week of December, Diane and I will continue to live with the 800-pound gorilla in our house, our car, on our walks, in our bed, and every where else we go. Such fun.

McGinnis's Rules

Dr. William McGinnis, M.D.

Medical Director--Great River Cancer Care Center, West Burlington, IA

When we first started treatment, Diane and I met with a wonderful man, Dr. Bill McGinnis, who as it turns out was also the radiation oncologist for Coach Don Patterson at the University of Iowa. Dr. McGinnis is very patient, thorough, candid, and has a casual manner that puts people at ease. Yet, he sugar coats nothing which we both appreciated as in spite of the fact that this has not been fun, there have been no surprises.

I generally speak to a half dozen or so college classes each semester on the topic of individual motivation and the choices/consequences we experience in life. I did my first such presentation Friday and while in the past, I have done 3 in a day, I'm bright enough to finally realize I need to cut back so I'm doing one a week for the next three weeks. I enjoy doing this as it gets me out and as I've discovered over the years, sometimes what I say actually gets students to think about how they are living their lives.

I mention Dr. McGinnis because his advice to all cancer patients is brief and to the point. He has two rules of life:

1. If you get tired, rest.

2. If it hurts, don't do it.

This seems very simplistic but as I recover, the hardest part has been to realize I need to slow down. Last week when talking about how I felt a little bit tired, my tv producer, Mark Dial, said, "Gee, Gord, I thought you were smart. Don't you know your immune system is shot and your recovery will be very slow." I came home and shared Mark's profound insights with Diane who was not amused. She looked at me and said, "I tell you that every day." Of course she's right but sometimes we listen better when advice comes from a third party.

The point of all this is that I am learning to pace myself, and I realized at the conclusion of this first classroom outing that I was finished for the day. Kudos to Bill McGinnis who does so much for so many people including me!

Too Much Too Soon But Much Better

James and Aunt Lisa

The Stevenson visit was wonderful but "we are showing our age." We don't see our grandsons as often as we'd like so when we do, it's like we need to cram in six months of attention in six days. Usually that would work out, but this time it really drained us. I must admit, neither Diane or myself would have done anything differently as the photos from our last posting clearly demonstrate but we simply ran out of gas. I think we tend to forget the 800 pound gorilla who lives with us until the results of the PET scan at the end of the month. He is always there, waiting for us to let down our guard, get complacent, and figure everything is behind us. It is not nor will it ever totally be gone from our lives. My guess is that there is some underlying residual stress that is always there waiting to manifest itself if we don't take care of ourselves.

In a way, and I'm a bit of an expert on this because of my parents' travails, cancer is more than a little like alcoholism--just when you think you have things under control, it jumps up and bites you in the ass. It lurks in the background just waiting for a moment of weakness and then pounces on that opportunity to give you a set back.

Diane actually got sicker than me so naturally being "Gordy Taylor," I said and I quote "how long will I have to take care of you, when will this crap end, why are you sleeping at 3 in the afternoon??" You get the drift. I'm lucky I have my own room to sleep in right now. We both had a good laugh, but it has been a long week and we are just now getting back to normal. Today, I walked for the first time in a week at the Rec Center so it is back to baby steps. As I mentioned in the previous entry, it was suddenly like I was back in early June at the apex of my discomfort or maybe the nadir--take your pick.

The wedding curse continues. While I was ambivalent about my attendance Saturday morning, all I had to do was look at Diane, and I realized we were going no where. This is the fourth wedding I've missed since all this has happened; I hope it is the last one. I did get a chance to talk with the sisters of the groom Saturday morning before they took off for the wedding which was nice.

I did an "Across the Miles" yesterday and am doing another one tomorrow. Other than that, we plan to lay low and maybe take in a movie and the WIU/ISU football game here in Macomb.

A Wonderful Visit and a Wake-up Call

A shovel the size of Star Wars lightsabers--just the right size for little helpers.

John giving his sons a ride.

Uncle Ryan helping get the pile bigger.

James liked pulling out the summer flowers.

When the tulips bloom, we'll think of Luke's planting.

Uncle Gordon knows how to make the boys happy.

One for the money, two for the show....

The marshmallows tasted good!

As you can see from the attached photos, Diane and I are proud grandparents. We just had a hoot with Luke and James. We enjoyed milkshakes at the Ford Hopkins Pharmacy old fashion soda fountain at 9 a.m. You are correct! We would never have done this with our own children but hey we are grandparents. Leaves were raked into a large pile into which two young men were deposited after wheelbarrow rides around the house. Summer flowers were pulled and tulip bulbs were planted with my little buddies. Every day included a wagon ride with Papa and Grandma to the end of the block and back. Of course, we had a football game that rivaled anything the Kennedys could have done. We watched DVDs of Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan. Oh my God, I am Peter Pan!! I'll never grow up but I like that. There was snuggling in the morning with Grandma and Papa. Luke and James picked out purple T-shirts with a Rocky logo (of course) at Gumbarts and made numerous trips to the bank and walks around the square. The visit concluded with a raging bonfire on the side yard and a marshmallow roast.

Gordon, Lisa, and Ryan also joined in the festivities, and I believe our Christmas card photo has been taken. We shall see. All and all it was a wonderful week and everyone has returned home safely. Diane heard about a survey concerning laughter. Little children may laugh as many as 300 times a day. As we get older, we decrease dramatically in the number of daily laughs. Luke and James laughed so many times a day that it became infectious around our home. We could probably all use a little work in this regard. They thought everything was pretty darn funny. We loved it.

As this is being typed, I am experiencing a bit of a wake-up call. Up until the past couple of days, my progress has been extraordinary, but it has been so consistent that I really haven't noticed or appreciated it until now. I overdid it. I got rundown. I'm paying the price. I have not felt this bad since I completed radiation and chemo in June. Tuesday afternoon after returning from St. Louis where I dropped off the Stevensons for their flight home, I told Diane "I think I have a sore throat." We looked at each other in stark horror--a sore throat, oh no!! What does this mean?

What it means is a sore throat so severe that I am back on product exclusively as swallowing is simply out of the question. We went to my family doctor yesterday and he prescribed liquid antibiotics after saying my throat was red. In addition, he prescribed some magic cough syrup that puts people out for about 8 hours. It is my new temporary friend. After completing this blog, it will be about 9 a.m., and I intend to take a dose and then see Diane about 5:00 this afternoon--no kidding, it is that powerful. I do feel a little better today so I'm hoping this is all very temporary.

I'm beginning to fear I possess a "wedding curse" as we are scheduled to attend a wedding in Carthage, IL, on Saturday of our neighbor's son. At this time, I think I'll be able to make-up but too soon to tell.

All of this is sort of deja vu as Diane is back giving me my meds. Let me be clear here. I don't think this has anything to do with cancer other than the fact that a sore throat for me these days is really a sore throat. I have put myself on 100% bed rest until this passes which is not too tough to do since 1 teaspoon of cough syrup twice a day really puts me out. My immune system is still compromised.

Diane is indeed an empathetic and sympathetic spouse as she has a severe head cold that came on Tuesday as well. Maybe we should quarantine 35 Indian Trail until further notice? Let's conclude on a positive note. The sun is shining, the leaves are radiant, we're both getting better, and it's great day to be a Leatherneck.

New York, New York; An Aging Jock; Family

"The Campers" Dinner at Sardi's Restaurant, NYC

Deanne Alford, Lois Bundschuh, Diane Taylor, Patricia Nixa, & Chandra Sommers

Diane's trip to New York City with long-time friends was a huge success. They toured the city on a "Hop On, Hop Off" doubledecker bus, saw Memphis and Billy Elliott, took the NBC tour, went to the Top of the Rock (30 Rockefeller Center) to see surroundings, enjoyed delicious meals, took an hour boat cruise, and strolled through Central Park. The weather was perfect. The company: the best! .

I survived quite nicely. Ryan made a spontaneous visit Saturday and Sunday. On Monday, college friends Fred and Marilyn Mastny along with dog Bosco came over for lunch from Champaign. I closed out the day with a visit from Skip Begley and later Bill Epperly. I also dug up a flower bed and planted 60 tulips complements of Lynn and Linda Sordel from Washington state who remembered my fondness for tulips in an earlier blog. Digging in the yard is another step forward and also excellent physical and emotional therapy.

On Tuesday, I was off to West Burlington for doctor appointments and had not one but two basal cell cancers removed from my back and chest. I then visited Dr. Theron Jameson who did my shoulder surgery 6 years for the removal of bone spurs. My shoulder has been painful lately and bothering me when I attempt to lift my right arm. Visiting doctors is apparently my new career, passion, and vocation. After a couple of X-rays, Theron told me the x-rays were clear and asked if I had pitched much during my athletic activities over the years. I laughed. "I've only been pitching for 55 years" was my response. He didn't look surprised as he told me I had no cartilage left in my shoulder and someday I will need a complete replacement. He gave me a cortisone shot and sent me on my way.

Our house is very lively and active these days. Daughter Jennifer, her husband John, and grandsons Luke (6) and James (2) flew into St. Louis yesterday where Diane picked them up. I feel like I'm in perpetual motion as I give wagon and wheel barrel rides, pick up acorns and sticks, rake leaves into a big pile suitable for fun, go shopping, and of course enjoy ice cream at the Ford Hopkins soda fountain counter at 10 a.m. Ryan arrives by train Friday night and Gordon and Lisa will be here by noon on Saturday. We ARE doing a family photo in our backyard. Diane has made this very clear to one and all.

My progress continues but as before is so slow. I do have trouble hydrating as I constantly need water. This really is a nuisance but as Diane reminds me, I am progressing and not regressing. That is important.

Deck Reflections

Diane and Gordy

Alumni House--Homecoming 2010

Last night Diane and I spent a quiet reflective couple of hours on the deck. It was very peaceful and serene with Indian Summer clearly the order of the day. An occasional hickory nut fell from our trees, the hibiscus and impatiens are still in bloom, yellow finches fed at the bird feeder, and there was a gentle breeze. Oh, did I forget? A couple of glasses of wine added to the tranquility and yes, even I had a glass. While it is not uncommon for us to talk about the "c" situation, last night we delved a bit deeper into some significant issues.

It all began when Diane asked, "Gord, did or do you ever feel alone?" I knew then our conversation was going to be a little bit different. I thought for a moment and replied, "Absolutely. Every night during treatment I would lay there in that bed, hooked up to my feeding machine, with both the fan, and cold mist humidifier humming away. I couldn't help but realize I was alone in that room as poisons coursed through my body killing the cancer cells." I through the question back at Diane which became the order of the evening and she replied, "Yes! Even though you were upstairs and sleeping about 17 hours per day, you weren't the same ole Gord. You were sick. I had never seen you like this before for so many days. Heck, you hardly took a sick day in 38 years of your career, but now you really needed me. I felt alone in this house even though you were upstairs."

Gord, have you learned anything about yourself and/or situation? Yes, with your help, I have been able to handle whatever has come my way. I'm more adaptable to adversity than I thought I would be. Of course, part of the credit goes to those wonderful folks who prepared me for what I was about to face. How about you, Diane? I know way too much about base of tongue cancer and its treatment. I now know terms and meds that I had never heard of previously. For the most part, I could take care of my children when sick but this was a whole new ballgame. I had to learn about things in order to deal with the cancer. I learned that I am a pretty strong woman.

Do you look at mortality differently, Gord? Heavens, yes (no pun intended). For the first time, it is clearly on my radar--enough said. And you, Diane? Yes, I try not to think about life without you but I know it is a possibility albeit remote.

When did you feel the most scared? Yes, that's easy. The night at 35 Indian Trail when I absolutely could not stop throwing up even when there was nothing else inside of me. The bile was so strong the paint came off in 2 places on the toilet seat. This ordeal continued the next day when I hurled out the car window on the way to Burlington for another radiation treatment. Yuck. How about you? I have a few incidences: March 4th, the day you were diagnosed and heard about the malignant tumor from the specialist. Also, when you were hospitalized with an infection for 3 days. And finally after treatment when you had sores covering the inside of your mouth and you were in so much pain.

Sad times? Not really. I was on major drugs and for a long time, I was in fog. Upon further reflection, I feel sad that my family has had to endure this, but it's part of life. Lou Gehrig said it best, and it applies to me as well, "I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth." I know you have had some sad times, Diane, right? While I have only had a couple of "ugly cries," I seem to be a bit sad or melancholy when I stop to think about what you have had to endure. In the throes of your treatment, I was exhausted and too preoccupied taking care of you to get sad.

Anything surprise you? Two things according to Gord: one good, one bad. The downside would be the diminished physical capabilities of the "new" Gordy. I can walk for hours but I do not have the old energy which was my trademark for 60+ years. I am hopeful and told that the best I can expect is to become 80% of my former self. This will come with greatly reduced taste buds and salivary gland activity. I suppose these are not really surprises but I never expected I could be compromised in so many ways. On the bright side, the answer is loud and resounding: PEOPLE have simply been wonderful to me and my family. When I was in the midst of treatment, the mailman said to Diane, "Is it Christmas at your house? You are always getting so much mail?" While it is a bit of a fog, and someday I will reread them, every day saw 5 to 10 cards arrive from well wishers. It was truly amazing and I was very moved. Diane: I completely agree with you about people. Friends have called not once but some all the time. The words people have written have moved me to tears on more than one occasion. Also, the sincerity is remarkable and genuine.

What do you miss? Enjoyment of dining out and the days when I stayed up past 9 and could sleep past 5. Diane explained that she misses the serenity and stability of our life, being able to plan ahead, and not worrying about the future.

Diane is off to New York City to meet up a bunch of her friends from the "old neighborhood" on Glenoak Drive and Briarwood in Macomb. These ladies have been meeting annually for about 15 years at various locations around the country for a long weekend of renewed friendships. They used to call these trips "going to camp." So they fondly called themselves "The Campers." Next week our entire family will rendezvous in Macomb. It will be hectic, crazy, but great fun. There will be no lack of stimulating conversation and laughter.

Doctors, Exercise, and Michael Douglas

I met with a couple of doctors last week. I asked about occasional headaches and body achiness. He replied that this is not uncommon as the body is adjusting to the effects of chemo and radiation. As for the dry mouth, that continues to be an issue that will not go away but that is also common with my type of cancer. The biggest immediate challenge I face these days is the loss of salivary glands and taste buds which unfortunately result in food consumption being not impossible but a real challenge. Diane came up with a great parallel as she watches me attempt to eat. Remember when you were a little kid and your parents made you eat something you just couldn't stand? To get through the experience, you guzzled it down with a big gulp of milk. Every meal is like that for me. Take a bite, take a swallow of water, take a bite, take a swallow of water, and so on. You get the picture. At least now, I can take that swallow of water when before I couldn't.

Friday night we actually left the house for 2 hours to attend a cocktail party in honor of newlyweds Cathy Cavins and her husband Ashley. I managed to eat 2 huge shrimp, a meatball, a carrot stick, and a key lime cupcake with LOTS of icing. The shrimp was doused with plenty of cocktail sauce, the meatball was a challenge, and the carrot stick was accompanied by copious amounts of dip. After 2 hours, it was time for me to go home, but it was good for us to get out for a while.

The oncologist, Dr. Ali, suggested I have the next PET-scan after Thanksgiving rather than before to give those "hot spots" a chance to either disappear or grow enough to warrant further treatment. This means I will keep PEG in until that time as if I remove it now and then need more attention, I would have to have it reinserted. Then I would have 3 navels instead of the 2 I have to date.

Diane and I had appointments with a dermatologist in Burlington, IA, last week as Diane had not been in quite some time, and I always have questionable areas. She found 2 dark moles on Diane's back and suggested they should be removed and biopsied. They required stitches but we got the call yesterday that they are both benign. Good news!! Naturally, I was not so lucky. I had a scraping of a spot on my shoulder blade and the results were that it reveals basal cell cancer which is the least significant of skin cancers. It is nothing to worry about but I must return for a few more scrapings to eliminate it. This is nothing for a guy who has had 3 squamous cell skin cancers removed. I will also have a comprehensive laser treatment on my face as I have lots of actinic keratosis (precancerous) cells. I hope to go to the SIU Medical Hospital in Springfield, IL, for this very specific procedure. Again, this is nothing to worry about but needs to be addressed.

Tomorrow I plan to return to the Spencer Recreation Center for a very mild workout with weights. My months of inactivity have resulted in some mild muscle atrophy, and I just want to begin the process of getting stronger. I have never been a serious "weight guy" but I figure 30 minutes or so 3 times a week is probably good for me in more ways than one. Dr. Ali gave me his stamp of approval.

No doubt you have noticed the absence of Michael Douglas the last couple of weeks after his recent media blitz announcing his battle with base of tongue cancer. I knew this was coming. He is at the point where he is deep into treatment, and I'm sure he is consumed with battling his disease. Diane reminds me that there was a month or so where I slept 17 hours a day and saw virtually no one except our children and medical professionals. Heck, I couldn't even talk!! My prayers go out to Michael Douglas and his family and everyone else who deals with potentially terminal diseases. It's ironic how my mind now thinks about such things. Apparently, cancer does that to a person.