A Caretaker's View

Diane, James (2), Luke (6), Gordy

It has been a while since I penned an entry and with the impending PET-CT scan, my mind has been in overdrive swirling with many random thoughts. Like Gordy, I view the glass half full and not half empty. In fact, there's nothing "half" in our lives; it's always been full. We are blessed. Gord has written about his "c" journey, and I have had my own "c" travels except mine is not cancer but care giving. When I was fully engrossed in my Dr. Diane mode administering medicines including the all important doses and times, I was extremely organized and in command. "Product" feedings were also a part of my daily routine. Thankfully all of this has stopped. I was a "helicopter" hovering over my partner in life trying to do everything possible to keep him comfortable. The challenge for me has been to back off and let go.

Now about that 800 pound gorilla!! Yes, his presence is felt in our lives. However, since the PET-scan results on August 25th indicated 2 "hot spots" of activity which can mean cancer, we refuse to allow the gorilla to grow and become unmanageable. When we have family and friends visit, our minds focus on others and not on the gorilla. My brother Paul said, "when the family is around, the gorilla doesn't grow and disappears for a while which is good for you and Gordy." He's right. A high school classmate of Gordy's wrote that we need to send the gorilla back to Jane Goddall!! You are so right, Sharon!! Many friends have said it isn't fair that we've had to live in limbo since the end of August and maybe they are right. However, children suffering from cancer and other diseases isn't fair either.

Our home has always been fondly referred to as the Taylor B & B. We've always had people staying with us especially since Gordy had been the "alumni" guy. As far back as WIU's Homecoming 1970 when we lived at Southern Hills apartments as a new faculty prof and his wife, we had friends "crash" with us--am I dating myself? Since the end of April, the B & B for the most part has had a "no vacancy" sign out. As his caregiver, I have described myself as a bulldog guarding his welfare. I've had to limit his time with others because he was tired and weak. People called before they came over; this is a new one for us and fortunately is no longer the case. Friends and family have been so very understanding.

Worry seems to be my middle name. When Ryan was in college, he said, "Mom, if I ever talk to another student who is feeling like no one cares, I will tell them that my mom worries for everyone so don't feel alone." Gordon also had some very wise words for me when I was in extra worry mode: don't worry about it, pray about it. When Gordon and Ryan are around us, it seems like we have had role reversals. I try to recite the Serenity Prayer when worry comes to visit.

There is a saying about how a doctor should not try to "heal thyself." I did a fine job as Gord's caregiver. People reminded me to take care of myself. I would quickly say, "oh sure, I'm okay." However, once we were in the throws of his treatment, I quit taking my hour walks, quit taking my vitamins, quit eating proper foods (Rice Krispies for dinner 3 times a week is not good), quit sleeping through the night, and had 2 sinus infections. I had an apt. with my internist for a general check-up with blood work. While in his office, he asked how I liked retirement with an easier schedule. I began to chuckle as I told him about my parents, their health challenges and changes in living arrangements. I also mentioned my new role as caregiver since the end of March. My blood pressure is a bit elevated from the usual 120. My LDL (lousy) cholesterol has increased. "You are living in a pressure cooker situation right now," Dr. Reem explained. For now, we are waiting until January to see if these things change. Yes, folks, chronic stress along with not taking care of yourself reaps unwanted health issues. Caregivers take care of yourselves.

Finally, a week does not go by that Gordy and I receive not only a card but a sincere note from Marilyn Johnson. The verse on the card this week is about the "c" words like crummy or cancer. Then it shifts focus onto good "c" words like courage, comfort, and caring. And of course Marilyn provides wonderful written words too. Gordy has shown tremendous courage. Friends and family have comforted us with their love and support. Thank you for caring about us.

Now where are Luke and James when I need a dose of hugs and kisses from my grandsons? They always bring smiles to our faces, love to our hearts, and laughter to our lives.