Same Old, Same Old

Remember, I never promised this would be a coming of age Catcher in the Rye or how to capture the past as in The Great Gatsby. I can assure you that this will not go the road of Long Days Journey Into Night but right now I feel like I could write a treatise NOT on Jack Kerouac's On the Road but more like Gordy's Trip to Nowhere! Maybe I shouldn't compose these at night because at the end of the day, I'm tired, sore, dry, and a little out of sorts. Don Patterson's words of last week still hold true--it will take a while for things to turn around.

I tried to swallow some water last night, and it really set me back as I couldn't get control of my desire to throw up. How can it come to this? The prospect of drinking a glass of water makes me want to vomit. I know I'm looking for big steps when little ones are all I can expect, but all my life it has seemed so simple: work hard--reward, word hard--recognition, work hard--good things happen and now for the first time I'm powerless to make good things happen on my terms. I almost feel I shouldn't write this but will anyway so that when the day comes and I can look back at this as just a painful memory, I'll know that there really were a few serious bumps in the road, and I didn't just imagine this.

On the positive side and there is indeed a positive side, on my appointment on Tuesday, Dr. El-Khoury thought my mouth looked better and my sores had diminished (hey, he gets the big bucks for looking in there). We are also decreasing the potency of some of my meds and eliminating others so that I don't become Frank Sinatra in Man With the Golden Arm. Don't ask me where I get this stuff, it just pops into my mind.

Let me try to put this in perspective: after two weeks from my final radiation treatment on June 10th, my hair is still falling out, and I spend 18 to 20 hours a day in bed--most of it resting in one form or another. My attention span is somewhere between 3 and 4 seconds.

This coming weekend is Heritage Days in Macomb. Generally this would find me on the Square waving to people who are actually in the local parade. However, today I made an executive decision. I make lots of those these days though none of them are of any consequence. I'm going to watch the festivities on the local access tv channel while hooked up to my breakfast, lunch, dessert, or dinner on my electric pump "product" dispenser. Yum, yum. For someone who normally enjoys a funnel cake and lemonade shake-up, visiting friends and former colleagues, this says a lot about my current state in terms of energy level. Okay, enough of this.

The Cubs won today in 13 innings and the Sox winning streak is now at 9. This weekend I will amuse myself with the Subway Series between the Cubs and the Sox.

One last thing: I'm learning to appreciate the little things. I always thought I did but in reality I rather assumed that everyone could take a walk and everyone could sit on their deck and enjoy a quiet moment with nature. I'm coming to realize that not everyone can enjoy a walk or even take one if they aren't healthy. The same goes for enjoying a cold glass of water--this is a pleasure I will never again take for granted.